The second half of February was a time for me to retreat and reflect. It was oh-so-lonely, but even-more-necessary. The feeling of abandoned solitude was surprisingly far from the problem, as it had been countless times in the past. No. This time, it was the profound discomfort of being left alone with my thoughts.
So I replaced one addiction with another and started listening to podcasts. And music. Lots of music.
The thing with self-criticism and harmful thoughts (and sometimes actions) is its cyclical perpetuation. You become toxic to everyone around you, and when everyone’s left, you become toxic to yourself.
One day, I decided to stop doing that.
I mean, of course, it’s not a permanent change: feelings are like ocean tides. I’m just enjoying the rise of the tide right now.
So when I do return to my old scornful self, I’ll retreat once again. Happily. And who knows? Maybe I’ll return even more grounded. As long as I have people who stick around, I’m okay.
